The Slow Boat To Redemption

If there is a thicker person on this planet, I challenge them to a slow witted contest. I am like the proverbial Englishman who takes 30 years to get the punchline to a joke - only, in this case, I take 30 years to get the punchline to the truth. Quick to respond, slow to understand - that's me. And I'm not all that quick to respond, but I'm REALLY slow to understand. Any day now, I expect to fully comprehend something that I allegedly learned in Kindergarten, so if you see me yelling Eureka, you'll know why.

My revelations this week come more recently from the past six months and more deeply from events 15 years ago. We'll start with the mea culpas from less than six months ago, while they're still fresh in my mind.

So as not to be unduly influenced by more creative minds around me, I have perfected a filter around my creative brain which weeds out pretty much all stimulae into the creative centers of my tiny mind. This is helpful when I see movies like Back to the Future and decide that what my spine tingling thriller about renegade priests needs most is a time traveling Delorean. With the filter in place, egregious mistakes in tone and plot are eradicated before they are foist upon my readers. With the filters taken out, I am no better than most television executives siezing upon whatever the latest piece of gossip is in order to create a temporary hit TV show.

Where this filter is not helpful, however, is when I ask for help by having people read my stories and give me feedback. In the old days, if anyone criticized my work, I jumped all over them and told them why they were idiots. This had a negative impact on my ability to recruit people to read my stories. I have since learned to keep those spring loaded responses locked safely in my head. However, I will still dispute their criticism even as I'm hearing it (I completely disagree. It's imperative for the Priest to have this time traveling Delorean... don't you see?). I've dropped the idiot from my defense, but the tone is there. I still feel really bad about it. I'm my own worst enemy. Please, please help me read my book... IDIOT! No, wait... that's not what I meant at all...

The point of all this is that, eventually, I come around to their point of view and that makes me feel even worse. Of course, they were right all along. And of course, I still feel like calling them idiots. But the reality is that I'm the only idiot in this conversation. I'm the one who can't see the obvious.

So, the tweaking I'm doing again on the Novel is as a direct result of all the small critiques I received from various idiots... I mean, people... over the last six months. You were right. I was wrong. And if I'd spent more time fixing the problems and less time defending them, I'd have been done a lot sooner.

Having said that, I want to show that this is a constant pattern in my life. I had a stunning insight the other day. I imagined some of the things I said to my ex-girlfriend fifteen years ago, from her perspective at the time, and I came across looking like a completely insane child. Wow. That would crush my ego if I weren't fifteen years removed from said events. But, see, for fourteen years I struggled with the question of why we broke up and its only now that I'm beginning to understand that one of us wasn't really ready for a relationship at the time... and it wasn't her.

I think wisdom is God's way of letting our psyches and egos down gently. We are, after all, ridiculous creatures with grandiose pretentions about our place in the world. If we were to suddenly be able to see where we actually stood in the scheme of things, our brains would probably melt. But with gradual, dawning wisdom, we can recognize ourselves from a distance, see ourselves in a new light and with a new understanding of our own insignificance, and turn our attention to more important matters.

I am a fool for not listening to the great advice I've been getting about my novel, but I'm remedying that now. I only ask that those who have criticized my work keep doing so. I need to be reshaped and remolded as much as, if not more, than my novel. And the only way that will happen is if someone shines the light of truth on my pathetic and glorious reality.

I'm on the slow boat to redemption, but I am still floating.

While You Were Worshipping...

I have discovered the ultimate Sabbath Saving sport that is being played on Sunday and that very well may quickly become the new American Past Time. But I'll come back to that in a minute. First, there is some housecleaning to do...

ICON welcomes White Tie & Tales to its impressive and elite Blogging Roll Call. This new blog from newcomer Bill Robison (my accountant - who will likely give me a good rate for advertising his blog ;) is sure to be very impressive, if sporadic. During the next couple of years, he will be detailing his life story. While not quite as thrilling and soap operaish as Pat's over at Past Imperfect, this saga does have one thing that Pat doesn't - San Francisco as a background. And, I may be biased, but that's really something that can't be beat. So, please click on the link here on my page and go read the first installment of White Tie & Tales and encourage my, ahem, accountant to continue his writing career.

For those of you wondering whatever happened to my novel, you can rest easy - I burned it and am starting all over, which clearly explains global warming. Okay, as tempting as that sounds, its not remotely true. Nothing explains global warming. But I digress... oh yeah, the novel. I have begun work on it again after a lengthy absence. I spent an hour on it last night and changed the first Act title to In Full Measure (a biblical reference to Isaiah... honest!). Tonight, I might actually change a word or two of the actual text, then I'll really be on fire. Or as we in the biz like to say, En Fuego!

Now back to our regularly scheduled sabbath busting sports business.

Baseball used to be our national pasttime. But who has time for it anymore? Nobody can afford the organ you need to play in between each batter and now that they're adding cheerleaders... fuggedaboutit.

Basketball came and went as our national pasttime as fast as it took Michael Jordan to dunk over just about anyone. Too many of them, if you know what I mean... (ticket scalpers is what I meant, so keep your lurid thoughts to yourself!)

Football is a great Sunday game - full of violence and whining and violence and beer commercials and violence. A much more appropriate game for the American psyche, but, unfortunately, one which most of us do not actually play. Why? Because we'd much rather sit on our couch, drink beer, flip channels, and eat pizza on Sunday. While this is all good, and somewhat technically qualifies as a Sabbath Saving type event where we do as little as possible on Sunday, much to the chagrin of our families, it doesn't actually qualify as a sport. Though Bridge does, which confuses me.

The reason Couch Potatoing doesn't qualify as a sport is because there is no competition involved. Believe me, if there was, we'd dominate the sport and own the Olympic Gold Metal in this event. Nobody out couch potatoes an American. You could go into just about any neighborhood in this country, knock down a couple of doors, and drag a few lazy SOB's off their couches and create a Dream Team. But, once again, no sport, no sports governing body, no Olympic inclusion. Its all politics, I'm sure.

BUUUUTTTTTTT... there is an alternative that allows you to save Sabbath time by sitting on your butt, watching TV, doing nothing, drinking beer, eating pizza, etc... AND still compete in a sport! This is surely an American invention - A sport where you don't actually have to do Anything!

I'm talking, of course, about Fantasy Football.

You select a team, put them together, and then let them play. While you're sitting on the couch, etc... obeying God's command to rest on His holy day, you are actually competing for points and prestige and valuable prizes. (valuable prizes not available in every league - see league rules for details. Questionable legal babble may apply.)

Just yesterday, while I lay on my bed, remote in hand, contemplating massive title changes to my novel, I was racking up touchdown after touchdown after touchdown - putting points on the board with the greatest of ease. And still completely Sabbath safe from having to lift a finger in work. I may not yet be a five tool Sunday Sports Star (I didn't have pizza or beer, but I did have a remote and I was in a reclined position), but I hope to someday be counted amongst the Sunday elites racking up points on earth and in Heaven at the same time.

(Legal disclaimer: Fantasy Football may, in fact, violate the spirit of the Sabbath. ICON does not endorse its own claims. Play responsibly.)

Friday Category

Ah, my dear friend Andy is having a bad day so I thought we'd all try to cheer him up. What he needs now is the three best song titles of current songs that could serve as the new theme song of the Girl Scouts of America. (I.E. Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.)

So, put on your ITUNES thinking caps and lets dooooo iiiiitttttttt!

Name the three best song titles that could serve as the new theme song of the Girl Scouts of America...

Still Waters

I've been very still, very quiet lately. Sitting in my house, watching the new network shows, reading new books, drawing, eating, mostly with my mind in neutral - like a giant computer that has too much data pouring through it at the same time, I look like I'm doing nothing. This idling of my life is strenuous for me. I don't like to sit still. I like to be doing things. I was not made for rest.

Over the weekend I made a movie. I now have footage for three films sitting in my camera waiting for my editing skills to kick in. Each of these projects waits like a long line of cars on the freeway, everyone trying to get to their ultimate destination but the sheer volume of traffic has brought everything to a stand still. I can't edit the movie because...

The novel is going nowhere. It needs to be tweaked. But the tweaks that I'm now contemplating were not tweaks I contemplated before. Do I really want to do another rewrite? What if rewriting it again is the only way I'll ever get it published? But maybe I'm just stalling? Or maybe I'm scared of rejection and I'm using new ideas to delay the inevitable? I can't rewrite until I know the motivation for rewriting. I can't edit until I know if I'm rewriting. I can't very well seek an agent until I know how much more work needs to be done on the novel. I can't do anything with the novel because...

My website needs updating. Its old and haggard and I've gone so far beyond its capabilities. But before I change the website I have to determine what the new site will look like. Before I can decide what the new site will look like, I need to know what the capabilities of the server will be. Before I can figure out the capabilities of the server, I need to determine what capabilities I absolutely need from the server. Before I can determine those capabilities, I need to figure out what sort of things will be on the website. This is getting me nowhere except for the knowledge that I need a new server before I build a new website. I can't do anything with a new server because...

I really need to buckle myself down and work on Heaven lessons for the youth group. But I don't know where to look. And its gonna be a lot of research. And I'm not a very good youth leader. And, oh, this is all so frustrating...

Gridlock. On the surface, I'm calm and cool and collected. I look like a guy without a care in the world - just floating along. But deep down, under those still waters, a storm is raging - horns blaring, people yelling, overturned apple carts, police whistles, unbearable noise and frustration. I'm drowning in things to do and I can't find a life line.

Eventually, I know, I will be able to move one piece and the rest will begin to flow from there. But, in the meantime, I'm bottled up. I can't think. I can't write. And nothing feels or tastes good. Its like sensory overload depression. A straitjacket of indecision.

The last time I felt this way was in 2001. In Novemeber of that year, I finally snapped out of it by deciding to write my Novel. These feelings are nothing new for me. But they sure are annoying. Something is coming, of that I'm sure, but I wish it'd get here already.

Contemplate This...

Hosea 10:12 (New International Version)
New International Version (NIV)

12 Sow for yourselves righteousness,
reap the fruit of unfailing love,
and break up your unplowed ground;
for it is time to seek the LORD,
until he comes
and showers righteousness on you.

Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society
[NIV at IBS] [International Bible Society] [NIV at Zondervan] [Zondervan]

What do you want to be when you grow up?

I figure I got one more career change in me. Whatever I choose to do in 18 months will be my last career change (for now ;). The ideal, of course, is to publish and become a well respected and highly paid author. And that's the career path I will be pursuing. But... its still fun to speculate.

I have thought that if I have to work for someone else there are a few areas that interest me - dream jobs, so to speak. You might notice a trend here. First, my absolute dream job would be as a Disney Imagineer. To sit around all day and dream, plan, and execute the new rides and attractions at Disney Theme Parks would be the ultimate cool job. Of course, I don't know engineering, nor can I draw anything more complicated than a stick figure (as all the laughs at my pathetic storyboards for my new movie remind me ;) But I am handy creatively speaking and I'm willing to try anything creative, so long as you don't expect Michelangelo. Second, I thought it'd be very cool to work as a sound designer for ILM. But, my level of ignorance in this area astounds me. Still, it'd be a fun thing to learn.

There are, of course, all the tried and true career ideas that have come and gone in my head - travel agent, CIA, teacher, etc... Most of these jobs play to one of my strengths - but a career?

I guess the question would be, regardless of your abilities, if there was one job you could do with the proviso that it paid enough to live off of, what would you want to be when you grow up?

I will continue my "job" search.

Change of Course

I still don't think that's spelled right.

Anyway...

Like some people around here, I've been stuck in the doldrums of life - my sails lying loose as I stare at the still air around me and wonder what new course to set. Lately, I've felt the wind stirring again and I've known that the winds of change are blowing around me.

So today I made a decision. I don't know what I'm going to do next, but I at least know the time frame. Next year, or so, will be my last year at this current company. I've grown bored with the idea of inventory control. I'm ready to try something new. In approximately April of 2008, I will say goodbye to this company and board a plane to Scotland for one month. When I return, I will start a new phase of my life.

The deadline has been set. Now comes the hard part... trying to figure out what to do next.

When all else fails...

I admit to now being caught up in a Communist conspiracy to destroy this country. Long believed to have given up due to a lack of recruits, it is clear now that the Communists have merely gone into hiding while they seek to subvert this nation with lies and hypocrisy. But I have caught on to their lies and deceit and I now know better.

I was clearly informed in the news that the writ of Habeus Corpus was being suspended by the bill that the Senate passed last week. I was not the only person who read this article and took its meaning to be that Habeus Corpus was suspended. A very fine lawyer who is a friend of my sister also blogged about the exact same thing and with the exact same passion and anger. We were both duped. According to another very fine lawyer, Randall Sherman, who knows a thing or two about legal gobbledygook used in the writing of these complex bills, Habeus Corpus is not suspended at all. Not even close.

Is this another attempt by Democrats to get a rise out of its supporters by claiming things falsely? Is this another attempt by Republicans to lie to their right wing constituents by showing they are tough on terror, even when they're not willing to suspend the Constitution to go after these bad guys? I know I didn't misread it. Therefore, someone in the know clearly misinformed the public.

Apparently, any news of this bill has long since been buried by the sexual escapades of Congressman Foley of Florida. If you read the headlines on the internet, Congressman Foley was set up by the Democrats to take a fall right before the mid-term elections... or... Congressman Foley's sexual escapades were covered up until after the mid-term elections to help Republicans take control of the house... or... There were no escapades and the Democrats are falsely creating a scandal in order to destroy Foley and Hastert... or... The entire Republican party is a giant cabal of pimps and drug users and evil men intent on destroying the world and bringing Satan back. I've seen all this on the internet. I know I didn't misread it. Therefore, someone in the know might be trying to misinform the public.

The higher the stakes grow, the more outrageous the claims. I half expect to see a front page headline in the San Francisco Chronicle tomorrow that Barry Bonds bites the heads off live bats because of steroids. But, in other papers, I half expect to see a front page headline that ties Foley to the White House and to Monica Lewinsky (depending on which political affiliation's newspaper you happen to read).

Clearly, someone is playing both sides against each other. This is too much of a thing to be random chance. And no amount of ridiculous luck is going to give Al Queda a chance to run such a perfect psy-op on the American people. No, there is only one group smart enough and capable of running such a smear campaign against both parties at once.

If you guessed the Green Party, you're wrong.

No, my friends... the Communists are back! They have infiltrated our government by convincing us that they are our friends again. And now, they have begun the most outrageous conflict of all. They are destroying us from within.

They almost got me. Don't let them get you. Don't believe anything coming out of the White House or Congress anymore. Its not true. Vote your conscience. Vote for the best person. And may the best person win. Its time we stopped looking at party's and started looking at Americans. After all, I'd take a Republican congressman over a communist one any day of the week! So this election year, vote American.

Human Rights Violations

One of the fundamental universal human rights is the right to defend yourself when accused of a crime. If someone says you did something wrong, you must be allowed to have your say about whether the accusation is true or not. If a nation state denies this right to its citizens, it is in violation of those citizens human rights.

I was raised in a country that believes that We the People give our consent to elected officials to create a government that will run this country in such a way as to preserve our rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. In order to preserve these rights, we ordained and established the Constitution of the United States of America. One of the very first ammendments to this Constitution is a guaranteed right to defend ourselves against accusations before being jailed. This right is known by the latin term, Habeas Corpus - which means, Produce The Body.

This right has been suspended once by the President of the United States. Abraham Lincoln in the opening days of the Civil War suspended the writ of habeas corpus in the city of Baltimore so that anti-federalist agitators could be rounded up before they seized the city and separated it from the Union. Considering that Virginia, on one side of Washington D.C. had already seceeded from the Union, had Baltimore also become enemy territory, the United States capitol would have been surrounded. These agitators were rounded up based upon intelligence gathered by real life detectives and they were imprisoned until the threat was considered ended and then released. Even though the act was generally praised as a smart and decisive strategic move, the pro-Lincoln Congress roundly condemned the action of the President as unconstitutional. And indeed, though necessary, Lincoln agonized over the decision before making it.

Today, in the Senate, 51 American Senators under no direct threat whatsoever, threw away our guaranteed constitutional human right to the writ of Habeas Corpus. 51 people have opened up the statue books, found the Constitution of the United States of America, and have ripped them out, torn them up, and burned the pieces. Once this bill takes effect, the Federal Government will be able to have any American citizen arrested without producing evidence or even leveling allegations. They will be allowed to be interrogated here and abroad by means not allowed under the Geneva Convention. And there will be no... NO... recourse nor means to prove one's innocence.

For your information, listed below are the States of this great nation who believe that the Constitution no longer matters based upon their representation in the Senate of the United States:

Grouped by Home State
Alabama: Sessions (R-AL), Nay Shelby (R-AL), Nay
Alaska: Murkowski (R-AK), Nay Stevens (R-AK), Nay
Arizona: Kyl (R-AZ), Nay McCain (R-AZ), Nay
Georgia: Chambliss (R-GA), Nay Isakson (R-GA), Nay
Idaho: Craig (R-ID), Nay Crapo (R-ID), Nay
Kansas: Brownback (R-KS), Nay Roberts (R-KS), Nay
Kentucky: Bunning (R-KY), Nay McConnell (R-KY), Nay
Maine: Collins (R-ME), Nay Snowe (R-ME), Not Voting
Mississippi: Cochran (R-MS), Nay Lott (R-MS), Nay
Missouri: Bond (R-MO), Nay Talent (R-MO), Nay
Nebraska: Hagel (R-NE), Nay Nelson (D-NE), Nay
North Carolina: Burr (R-NC), Nay Dole (R-NC), Nay
Ohio: DeWine (R-OH), Nay Voinovich (R-OH), Nay
Oklahoma: Coburn (R-OK), Nay Inhofe (R-OK), Nay
South Carolina: DeMint (R-SC), Nay Graham (R-SC), Nay
Tennessee: Alexander (R-TN), Nay Frist (R-TN), Nay
Texas: Cornyn (R-TX), Nay Hutchison (R-TX), Nay
Utah: Bennett (R-UT), Nay Hatch (R-UT), Nay
Virginia: Allen (R-VA), Nay Warner (R-VA), Nay
Wyoming: Enzi (R-WY), Nay Thomas (R-WY), Nay

Its time to call it like it is. And its time to tell the truth. This is not a red state/blue state issue, this is a human rights issue. And for those of you who don't feel you have anything to worry about because you're not a terrorist, I believe there are a great many victims of NAZI Germany who had the same attitude at the start of World War II.

Power corrupts. And we've just handed the government the most corrupting power of all - the power to jail us and torture us without charges. I sure hope this makes you feel safer. Because it scares the hell out of me!

Be vigilant. Be safe.

Hypocrisy

I'm not terribly upset about what's currently going on in Washington, but I'm getting frustrated with all the so called pundits who don't seem to have a clue.

Right now, as I write this, the Senate is debating a bill that would allow the continued enforcement of restrictions against our civil liberties - i.e. If the government names you a terrorist suspect, you will not have any right to defend yourself in court. That this information against you will be gathered by covert means despite the fact that the law clearly states such means are illegal seems to no longer be an issue. If it keeps America in business, it must be okay to spy on its own people. Right down the hall, in Congress, executives of HP are being grilled because they spied on their own corporate board members because of intelligence leaks to reporters. Their argument that if it keeps HP in business, it must be okay to spy on its own people, is being universally condemned.

The pundits can't understand where this corporate attitude might have come from and can't figure out why the executive officers would think this was an ethical and moral thing to do. Just in my own head, where ever they said Company, I replaced the word with Country. Guess what? It was the same exact argument.

Further, had the company been spying on its employees to determine who might be leaking information, there would have been no argument whatsoever. Court decision after court decision has backed up a companies right to investigate the privacy of its employees as it relates to corporate matters (I.E. if they think you're doing harm to the company via blogs, e-mails, phone calls, sleeping with employees of other corporations, whatever...)

So, then, the only reason HP is a shock to anyone is because it was Board Executives investigating Board Members... and... reporters (for whom its not illegal to do the same sort of investigation that the Board Executives were doing on them ;)

Secrecy and intelligence gathering is a shadow world where rules and ethics really don't apply. This should be the first thing we all know about the shadow world. The second thing is that you can't be squeamish if you want to play here. If reporters and Congress and the rest of the nation really thinks its okay to delve into this realm, they better plan on checking their rules and ethics at the door. We can't be for spying on our neighbors for the good of the country, if we're not also for spying on ourselves for the good of the country. These things go hand in hand. If reporters are going to attack the business of HP by publishing leaked material gleaned from dark and secret sources, then HP has every right to use the exact same tactics to stop those leaks from occuring.

Only next time, HP should use someone who won't get caught - or if they do, will allow HP to disavow all knowledge of this operation. Jeez, you'd think these Board Executives had never read a spy novel.

The Straitjacket of Faith

I'm standing on a rock in the fog and I'm declaring my thoughts as of this moment. When then fog clears, a little, I hope to discover that I'm not anywhere near the top of this mountain nor this discussion. If you have differing opinions or thoughts, by all means, call them out to me and I will stumble through the fog towards your voice. That being said...

The Reverend Glenda Hope of Network Ministries started out her sermon the other day by talking to the youth about overcoming peer pressure. She said something to the effect that its really hard to hold strong moral ground when dealing with your peers because of the fear that you will look to be a party pooper. But then she added that when you do stand your ground, you will feel good about yourself. And then you must fight the temptation not to think yourself better than your friends. Its kind of a damned if you do and damned if you don't approach to faith.

These thoughts sort of sum up what I've been trying to wrangle with for several weeks now. Its something I've called the Straitjacket of Faith, and believe me, I think I may be the only one suffering from these conclusions. So this may be a unique mixture of Christian Guilt and my own personality coming together to form gridlock in my brain.

Here's the gist of the problem: Hypothetically, let's say I see a woman and I like her and I want to ask her out. Being a crazy writer, my thoughts race ahead to all sorts of possible scenarios. And many of these scenarios end with my choice of either sinning or losing the woman. I have learned that the quickest way to God's displeasure is to knowingly sin - its double bad because you're not only sinning, but you're knowingly doing so and rejecting God in the process. Therefore, if I get into this relationship with the woman and said sinful scenario comes up and I knowingly reject God in order to sin, then I have really, really, messed up. End result: Its best to avoid that situation entirely. So I won't do anything. Gridlock. Straitjacket.

This is so clearly boneheaded a thought that even I have a hard time following its flawed logic. But the dilemma is still there. God wants us to seek perfection. God wants us to not sin. And yet, we're going to sin when we do things. Therefore, the best way to avoid sinning is to not do anything.

It reminds me of the parable of the servants and their talents. I feel like the one who buried his talents in the dirt so that they would not get lost or stolen. I would look like a genius if the other two servants lost their talents, but they didn't. Because in this scenario, the other two servants are perfect and don't make mistakes. But what would Jesus's response have been had one of the servants invested his two talents and lost them - showing up to his master with nothing to show for his hard work?

There is a risk inherent in doing anything. But it seems to me that seeking perfection and seeking Christ are two very different goals - and yet, maybe, the same thing. Maybe there is a perfection in seeking Christ that allows us to stumble and fall and make mistakes. Maybe there is a perfection in Christ that sees that sometimes we need to take the chance of sinning if it means better understanding.

I don't know. The fog is rolling in again and I still don't see clearly. I'd love to hear your voices on these thoughts.

Humble Pie

Every once in a while, when we get too full of ourselves, God gives us a nice slice of humble pie to remind us that we have nothing to do with anything. Its all about Him.

I think my last post was a good example of getting too full of one's self. There are times when you look and look and look and all you can see is the dark clouds. You know the silver linings are out there. You believe it deep in your heart. But you just can't see them. Everything looks bad. Everything is depressing. Its easy to get down on yourself and on the world. (For me, its usually when I'm over tired - like a toddler who refuses to take a nap.) On Friday, I knew that I was just tired and I knew that the real world wasn't as dark or bleak as it appeared to me, and yet... I still felt like writing that post. Four rejection letters now - Oh No! It's the End of the World! ;)

But then, I sat down at the long counter of life and God slid a nice slice of humble pie to me and said, "Here. Its kind of bittersweet, but I think you'll like it." I had a few bites on Saturday night when I was looking at the same two kids that had come to youth group for the previous three weeks and I was starting to think that perhaps I was driving the kids away, that maybe someone else should run my youth group - someone the kids liked. The previous week, when I'd been on vacation, the group had swelled to 13 kids. Now there were only two kids. What was I doing wrong? Why was I such a bad youth leader? What sin had I done? What... oh, wait, here comes three more kids!

We had a lot of fun with the games. They sat attentively listening to my "lesson" on Heaven and were eager to participate. And when the evening was over, I felt this huge high. As I got in my car for the ride home, I suddenly thought - I have no control over how many kids show up. Only God can really nudge them to come to youth group. I needn't do anything more than try my hardest and be faithful and God will provide the kids. If He builds it, they will come.

So, then I decided to have a big old piece of that humble pie the next day when our guest sermon was by the Reverend Glenda Hope of Network Ministries in San Francisco. She came to talk to us about a shelter she runs for prostituted women. Her stories were heartbreaking and hopeful at the same time. There wasn't a dry eye in the entire church. Its hard to be down on yourself after that. Its hard to say woe is me when others are going through so much worse and haven't given up yet.

When you are right with God, when you have swallowed that humble pie, its not only easy to see the silver lining in the clouds; its hard to see the clouds through the silver lining. God is truly wonderful. I hope to never forget that... but I'm sure that I will. But its good to know that when I do, God will be waiting there with another slice.

OHFER

Its sometimes hard not to take life seriously. If my life was an American Idol results show, even Paula would be picking on me by now... "Oh, come on Will... we all know you've been eliminated! Give up already!" Such feelings and sentiments are clearly behind song lyrics like, "If I didn't have bad luck, I'd have no luck at all." Apparently, my life has been one constant case of the blues... but hey, there's good music here.

I say this now, tongue firmly planted in cheek, because I can't seem to get away from Rejection Form hell. Its bad getting a rejection. Nobody likes it. But after four years of writing a novel, the last thing you want is a mimeographed form letter rejection that took someone 2 seconds to copy and seal in your self-addressed stamped envelope. It took longer for me to create the envelope than it took them to reject me and my novel. It almost makes one want to become a super villain with really bizarre demands - Publish My Novel or I Will Destroy Manhattan! Er, wait... that's hardly going to work, is it? Publish the novel of Mr. Will Robison, who is in no way affiliated with me, Dr. Nefarious, or I will destroy... well, you know.

The Ohfer's in my life keep stacking up. Its getting hard for me to see the sunlight over the huge pile of rejection I've received. Work hard and receive your just rewards... My ass! While Jesus is handing out all the juicy payola to His vineyard workers, He's going to take one look at me and say, "You missed a spot." I'm sure to be toiling out in the back 40 until long after the cow's have come home.

I say this all because I know that compared to many, my life is a dream. But I've developed this unhealthy desire to see myself published and rejection of this one goal seems like universal spite. I'm beginning to feel like Moses - I can see the promised land, but I will never enter. Still, it'd be nice to part a Red Sea or two along the way.

Well, maybe soon... maybe soon...

Excess Baggage

Once again, my sister underestimated her luggage requirements for a trip to Walt Disney World. To be fair, this time she had two little kids, one slightly older big kid who is her husband, and a loving and indulgent grandmother along. This may have had a minor effect on her luggage requirements as they cleaned out souvenir stand after souvenir stand to satisfy their urge to spoil the kids rotten. They're cute kids. Who can blame them? But, as I watched this bloated monstrosity of luggage wending its way from hotel room to baggage claim to airplane concourse, I couldn't help but wonder - who needs all this stuff?

My Mom and I got into an argument about this on the trip. At our first sit down restaurant, the waiter brought over some blue plastic dolphins for the kids to use for tracing with their crayons. The kids are 2 and 1 respectively, and so, to them, the dolphins were merely toys which they quickly grew tired of and tossed on the floor (en route to a major first day meltdown ;) After the kids had left and it was just my Mom and I remaining to take care of the bill and what not, we got into an argument about whether we should gather the blue dolphins for the kids. "They're not going to even remember them," I argued. "They'll remember them," My Mom countered. "They remember all of their toys." My sister confirmed this side of the argument later by pointing out that it took her son only about fifteen minutes to realize that she had donated some of his toys to Goodwill once - toys he hadn't played with in over six months. From the distance of perspective, this attitude towards toys seems warped - but I'm certain that I was the same way when I was a kid. "Rosebud" rings true to us all because there are things in our lives that we try to get back once they're missing. There are things we all cling to as external extensions of ourselves, that seem to diminish us when they are gone.

A few days earlier, as I devoured C.S. Lewis's brilliant "The Great Divorce", I was quite frankly a little annoyed with the great writer's view of the afterlife. To be very concise, the story is about a man who finds himself walking through a gray city and eventually joining a bus queue for a bus trip to Heaven. He encounters various people on this journey and each one displays some annoying characteristic - many different archetypes of various attitudes about life, faith, etc... - that will more than likely eventually keep them from embracing God's love and going to Heaven. I'll talk more about that in future segments. What annoyed me about this afterlife, initially, was the fact that there seemed to be almost no joy in the afterlife.

I want to believe in the sort of quintessential picture of Heaven - bright light, pearly gates, heavenly choir to sing me in through the gates, wings, harp, the whole nine yards. I'd like to think that when we die, we are embraced with beauty and love and all our cares and thoughts from the real world disappear.

In this afterlife, however, C.S. Lewis seems to suggest that while we can't take physical items with us to the great beyond, we are able to pack our bags with personality quirks, old arguments, lies, disbelief, and other assorted goodies. No shining white light, no pearly gates, no instant knowledge of God - you might even have to work a while to discover all the secrets of the universe.

Annoying, but thought provoking.

What would I pack in my bag? What sort of luggage would I take with me to heaven? What sort of excess, extraneous baggage that I just can't live without, would I try to drag along with me into Heaven? In terms of "things", what could I not live without?

I live in a society where things have equal importance with substance - where having an IPOD is almost on the same level as having clothes to wear or a job. In fact, many of us view our jobs as merely a means to get an IPOD. We don't do meaningful work, we simply do whatever we can so that we can afford the latest things. Those things change as we get older. We replace IPOD's for fancy weddings or new cars or a bigger house or expensive and lavish vacations. Things take spots in our hearts that should be reserved for the love of others, for the love of experience, for the love of God. Jesus pities the rich man's attempt to get into Heaven precisely because he has all those "things" in his heart - money, power, luxury - that he could never have enough room for Heaven. And what does he need it for? What comfort does it really get him? What happiness does it really bring?

I mention all this not to cast aspersions on others. We all have our own baggage and most of it is excess. C.S. Lewis's book merely pointed out to me that I've been hauling around a lot of stuff that I no longer need, and never really did. Its time I rediscovered what was truly important in my life and repacked my luggage for a different kind of journey.

And then I rested...

On the 11th Day, I returned from WDW completely refreshed and ready to go. But a lot can happen in 10 days when there is no work to occupy your mind. So in the following paragraph I've listed all the great Biblical revelations I made during my vacation, as well as all the great and wonderful ideas I had that will completely change the world, and I've even thrown in a few errant brilliant ideas that I had during the trip. So, here goes...

Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Zero.

For ten days, I woke up, took a shower, got dressed, and then spent the day dealing with heat and humidity (praising God every minute that I live in a temperate climate) as I wandered around WDW with my niece and nephew and other assorted kids (my sister and her husband chief amongst them ;) acting the part of tourist to utter completion. I swam, took naps, sat around, drank a lot, and ate. In terms of rest, it was completely indulgent and utterly decadent.

I know I should feel guilty, but I just can't bring my mind around to that feeling just yet. I'm sure it'll come later.

Anyway, I'm back. And everything is back on track. Tomorrow, I begin discussing C.S. Lewis.

See ya then!

P.S. Congrats to The Beach for his one year milestone. I started my blog not a week or so later, so I should be hitting my one year mark here as well fairly soon. Anyone got any idea how to figure out when you started your blog?

Everytime we say goodbye...

I am taking a week off from the Blog to go on vacation. If my lack of mental acuity during the last week wasn't a tip off to me that I needed the time off, then the huge soulful mental bash I received yesterday as I devoured C.S. Lewis's The Great Divorce was a definite wake up call. I even had to admit in a meeting with my bosses yesterday that my brain was already in Orlando. Its time to let the world worry about itself for a week.

"WILL! YOU JUST READ C.S. LEWIS'S THE GREAT DIVORCE, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?"

"I'M GOING TO DISNEYWORLD!"

I'm going to sit on a beach with a pan-galactic gargleblaster and a good book and try not to think for an entire week. It'll be the closest I come to the Presidency ;)

Hope you all have a good time while I'm gone.

See you in a while.

Living In The Moment, Living Outside The Moment

There are moments in writing of utter sheer joy. Moments of intense culmination that you've been preparing for years, that when you finally sit down at your computer that night, you know you are finally going to see on the written page. But there are other moments of deep and intense frustration - moments where you are literally pounding your head against the wall because you just can't get that correct tone or the action doesn't match the message you are trying to convey. Highs and lows and sometimes at the same moment, joy and frustration. To write is to embrace the insanity of life and then let it flow away in words.

I had a moment of intense revelation at church this morning during communion. It was one of those church moments when you can feel the holy spirit encircling you and wrapping you up in its warm embrace. I found myself outside of church - living outside the moment - looking around at all the people in the pews and wondering what was going through their heads and how God was able to hear all their thoughts and feel all their feelings and heal all their pains. It felt like the holy spirit was whirring around the entire sanctuary and only I could see it - even though it was invisible. And it reminded me so much of the deep joy I have in writing.

When you read a story for the first time, if the writer is good, you are caught up in the moment of a scene - of the singularity of action and purpose of the characters. But, if the writer is REALLY good, you are both in the moment and outside the moment at the same time - caught up in the moment of the scene, but also processing the importance of that scene in the larger context of the story so far. You know that Bond is dueling with the bad guy and its a really intense moment, but its made more intense because you know that the bad guy killed his best friend. You are seeing the present, but also the past - the present with context.

But, when you are the REALLY REALLY good writer, you are layering the story with a third layer of context - the story that is yet to come. In one scene, you not only have the action that is occuring, but the context of that action from the past, AND you are layering the context for the scenes that are yet to come. Not only is Bond fighting the bad guy that killed his best friend, but he is about to discover that the bad guy also kidnapped his wife. You, as the writer, know this. You are caught up in the moment of the telling of the story - living IN the moment. But, you are also OUTSIDE the moment - thinking about all that has gone before and all that is yet to come. Each and every scene has to fit in this context. Each and every action from each and every character fits into this story. Seemingly random events in Chapter Three might have huge ramifications in Chapter 120. And seemingly normal dialogue in Chapter 98 wittily refers back to an event in Chapter 7. Each moment is the present and unique, but it also has elements of the past and present wrapped up in it.

And then I finally understood the Trinity. In this great story of God's love for us all, Jesus is the center of the action. He is In the moment. All that has come before and all that will come after is Outside the moment. Moses, Paul, you and I, we're all part of the story - but the part that refers back to the moment. In this respect, Jesus can be In the moment and Outside the moment at the same time. He can be in Heaven and on Earth. He can be living and He can be dying. He is at the beginning and He is at the ending. He is the Alpha and the Omega and all points in between. The story is already written, but the details might change as we go along. Jesus is our context.

We are forced to live in the moment. We can see from where we've come, but we haven't a clue what comes next. Though the temptation is there to skip to the end of the story and see what happens to us, none of us have yet developed that particular ability. We are the characters in this story. We are forced to react only to things that have already occurred and to things we can try to see coming. But we never know when the story will end, or what might happen next in the chapter.

Hobbled

For the last month or so, I've been walking every day in preparation for my trip to Walt Disney World next week. I've been feeling good about it and nice and strong. Everything was looking just great for my trip - with everything in place and a nice 10 days grace period to quietly slip into my vacation. And then...

Last weekend I started off my Youth Group for the year by spending all day Saturday running around buying the various ingredients for the Biblical Ice Cream Social. Saturday night, after I had gathered all the goods, I ran my first Youth Group meeting of the year - which also served as an opportunity to do some preparation for the Social the next day. Still not nearly finished, on Sunday morning, I went directly to church and worked to finish all the details. For the first hour and a half, I was entirely by myself. Up until about half an hour before the Social, I had one helper, then two until five minutes before the Social. Finally, I had a small but decent crew to run the Ice Cream Social and we had twice as many people attend this year as last year. We ran around and got everyone their ice cream. And then, afterwards, cleaned up the mess. By 2:00pm, I returned home and my legs were killing me. I'd been on my feet for nearly 36 hours straight by that point.

What I didn't realize until Monday morning was that I had also somehow tweaked my knee. As I got out of bed and realized that I could barely put any pressure on it, I frowned with annoyance and hobbled into the shower for a day's work. For most of the week, I've been hobbling along trying to get my leg back in shape. All of my previous walking and preparation for Walt Disney World will have been for naught if one little knee injury keeps me from walking anyway.

On Tuesday, however, with my leg a tiny bit better, I was able to relax again and start thinking about DisneyWorld and all the wonderful things that were going to happen there. Then, around noon, my sister called and asked me if I had ten minutes to talk.

"Sure," I said, "What's going on?"

"Dave's not going to Disney World."

Dave is my brother. We've been brothers all of our lives. To say that this didn't shock me would be to make it sound like this was the sort of thing my brother does all the time - it isn't... but the threat has been constantly there. While I may not have been shocked, I was certainly disappointed. My brother's rift with the family was finally reaching a crisis point. There was no putting off the inevitable this time. He'd finally thrown down the gauntlet and demanded a response.

The problem was, I didn't have any idea what that response might be. I've known for a long time that my brother has issues, but anyone who's ever met my brother knows that. The thing is, however, is that everyone has their own theory as to what those issues might be. A team of psychiatrists working round the clock for the next ten years might never find out. Which isn't to say that he's crazy. Neurotic... sure. But again, I don't want to make my brother sound 100% at fault.

I prayed for guidance. I asked the Lord for help. Then I called my brother. The conversation went pretty much as I expected with my brother levelling accusations left and right about this and that - none of which even came close to whatever was really eating at him. I tried to sift through it all and get to the heart of the matter, but I wasn't getting anywhere. In the midst of a situation like that, there's not a point where you can say, "Hold on... I'm not doing this correctly. Wait a second while I pray to God and consult Him as to what I should say next." Compounding the problem, of course, is the fact that he's my brother. There is a lot of human emotional baggage tied to that. Like Andy trying to remain calm with his parents. Its easy for us to tell him what he should or shouldn't do, but his emotions and his feelings get in the way. I tried to remain calm with my brother. I tried not to get sucked in to his arguments and his accusations, but... well... I just couldn't help it. I know I sinned. I know I failed my brother. But I just wasn't able to do anything to help the situation. The cut I'd been trying to heal turned into a rift. My brother had a few choice words for me and then hung up.

In life, there is no such thing as a straight line. Things are constantly falling into our paths to make us steer down different paths. We go places we never expected and deal with situations that were not of our choosing. Often times the path is hard enough just getting around these obstacles. But then, to make matters worse, we get hobbled along the way. Our legs break down and we're forced to limp along, slower and with much pain. Or, in our haste and blindness, we make wrong turns and go down wrong paths. When we reach deadends it can seem like the end of all things. But, we always have the option of turning around and going back the way we came.

My trip to Disney World is still on - currently minus one person. I would not have done this without much prayer. However, I'm still wondering if there is something more that I could do - something I haven't tried yet. I know that I don't want a rift between my brother and I, but I feel as if I am fighting a losing battle - trying to hold on to something that doesn't want to be contained. Ultimately, I have to let my brother go, if he wants to go. I can't keep him in the family against his will. I just hope he knows what it is he really wants.

Time heals all wounds and my leg is about 90% of normal right now - so I should be able to walk just fine when I get to Disney World. But the problem with my brother is a wound that cuts deep. Not only will it not heal by next week, it may grow worse and infected while I am trying to enjoy Disney World. I can only hope for a peaceful solution to all this, but I think that this is clearly a case where the solution is out of my hands. Either God is going to heal my brother and return him to the family, or He is going to give me the words to do it. But, on my own, there is nothing more that I can do.

This Band of Brothers

Donny Prater needs our help. His new book is out on Amazon and we would do our best to help promote it. But it will not be an easy fight. But it will be a glorious fight. In fact, I just jotted down a few words that came to me just now to help explain what kind of fight its going to be...

Rather proclaim it, Blogoids, through my host,
That he which hath no stomach to this fight,
Let him depart; his passport shall be made,
And crowns for convoy put into his purse;
We would not die in that man's company
That fears his fellowship to die with us.
This day is call'd the Day of Donny's Book.
He that outlives this day, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam'd,
And rouse him at the name of Donny's Book.
He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'To-morrow is the Day of Donny's Book.'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say 'These wounds I had on Donny's Book day.'
Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words-
A Mile From The Beach, Icon and Bittersweet Life,
Carioca and Changes Daily, Hinterland and Someone Keeps Moving My Chair-
Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb'red.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Donny's Book day shall ne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
Make him a member of the gentry, even if he is a commoner.
And gentlemen in the blogosphere now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Donny's Book day.

Yeah, I think that about says it all.

A Warrior Culture: Surrounding Yourself With Dangerous Men of God
Published by Xulon Press (a division of Salem Communications), Longwood, FL.
Donny Prater © 2006.
ISBN: 1-60034-527-1

Now Available at Amazon.com

Failing In Our Duty

It is the status quo and we ignore it. As a nation, we consume more than any other nation in the world. As a nation, we destroy innocent people in the name of peace. As a nation, we abuse the poor and the innocent for the sake of our own safety. As a nation, we do not hold our leaders accountable. As a nation, we call for the destruction of nations that have done us no harm - but that pose a threat to our security. As a nation, we allow our big businesses to extort money from us and from others in the name of financial gain. As a nation, we allow questionable moral practices to exist in science and industry to better our lives. We are not a weak nation. We are not a bad nation. But we are a sinful nation.

God told the Prophet Ezekiel:

7 "Son of man, I have made you a watchman for the house of Israel; so hear the word I speak and give them warning from me. 8 When I say to the wicked, 'O wicked man, you will surely die,' and you do not speak out to dissuade him from his ways, that wicked man will die for [a] his sin, and I will hold you accountable for his blood. 9 But if you do warn the wicked man to turn from his ways and he does not do so, he will die for his sin, but you will have saved yourself.

10 "Son of man, say to the house of Israel, 'This is what you are saying: "Our offenses and sins weigh us down, and we are wasting away because of [b] them. How then can we live?" ' 11 Say to them, 'As surely as I live, declares the Sovereign LORD, I take no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but rather that they turn from their ways and live. Turn! Turn from your evil ways! Why will you die, O house of Israel?'

We need to do better as a nation. We need to lead the world - morally and with regard to law. We need to feed the poor. We need to house the homeless. We need to free the oppressed. We need to be a shining beacon to the rest of the world - not a searchlight from which others hide. We need to be free in spirit as well as in name. We need to turn back to the God that has granted this nation so many of its gifts. We need to thank Him. And we need to live upright in honor to Him.

You have all been warned. Our nation stands at a precipice. We can continue to walk blindly forward, or we can stop and step back from the brink and thank God that He has opened our eyes in time.